The Way Is Not Straight

There is no one true path, but all paths are on the Way.  As householders, our travels along the Way are are often crooked and interrupted.  There are obligations to loved ones, profession, and the craziness of living-in-the-world.  Committing to daily practice is difficult, and getting side-tracked is common.  When I first began, counting the breath up to 10 without my mind drifting away was almost impossible.  Sometimes it still is.  Sitting every day has been challenging, and there are stretches where I have been "off-mat" for weeks.  Today, in my 50th year, I am striving to sit zazen each day for a year, 365 days.

Sleeping Cat Zazen

 

Curled up in a ball on the cushion

No doubt, no striving

Sleeping cat zazen 

Not Dead Yet

 

A good friend is dying of cancer.  Seeing her struggle with the problem of birth and death is, in some way, her gift to all of us around her.  What a price for this gift!

 

When she says "I am afraid", she is the fear.  When she suffers from physical pain, she is the pain.  When she cries saying "I will miss my children", she is impermanence.  

 

When I say "Then what am I?", I do not even see the finger pointing at the sunset.

Fear of Zazen, Zazen of Fear

Again with fear...now fear of zazen.  Work, family, life, and a brief illness swallowed me whole, and my zazen practice went by the wayside for a month.  It has been hard this time to start back up, and part of this is an odd fear.  Fear of zazen, fear of disappearing into zazen.  Like walking out to the end of the jetty, and just going on, into unknown waters.  Clearly, this is where I must go, but it has become hard.  My great determination has fizzled.

Daily Grind

Making an effort once again to make room for daily zazen in the mix of work, attention to family, and all the rest.  Of course, all is part of the same fabric and web, but it sometimes feels at the end of the day that all I did was grind it all up, mix together well, and exhaust myself.  More sleep might help to stay awake in the zendo, more zazen might help me to be fully present when blowing bubbles with my younger daughter.

Beach Zazen

Traveling with family, it is hard to find the time and place for zazen.  The room at the inn was crowded with the shrapnel of clothing and stuff from 4 people.  So, I took my inflatable zafu down to the dunes by the ocean, and sat on a bluff overlooking rocks and sand.  It seemed fitting, as the travel zafu is basically a beach ball with a fabric cover.  The sound of the waves made concentrating on Mu very difficult.  A dull roar, pulsating, changing, the sound never the same, and punctuated by the gulls.  Thoughts of my family, and guilt at taking this time away from them.  Sunset, and returning to them, always, like the breath, like the koan....

Ring The Bell

I am fortunate to live 8 minutes away from the zendo, by car, if the 5:30 AM traffic light karma is favorable.  Flying through the zen center door, putting on my robe and gathering cushions.  The warning bell is struck, and fading harmonics echo through the building.  Ten thousand things, and "only Mu!" merge as I settle on my zafu, feeling the energy of a seasoned zendo.  Breath, no breath, fading resonance of the "I" that is not...here and now.

Just Sit, Every Day...

It's been very hard to keep a consistent practice this last eight months.  A move, family events, and much work have all converged to make daily zazen very difficult.  Most days, I can snatch 10-20 minutes to sit, usually at the end of the day, exhausted, sleepy.  I was not able to go to sesshin this year either, and making it to the zendo three or four mornings a week has not happened.  Often I wonder if I will ever be able to sit for two hours a day consistently, one in the morning, one at night.  The old masters might say that I do not have the burning desire for enlightenment.  Perhaps that type of enlightenment can best be sought via monastic practice.  But with a family, that is not really possible.  

Practice

Both of my daughters are learning string instruments.  The older is very disciplined, practices almost every day, pushes herself with new challenges.  You can see the steady pace of her progress, and hear the beauty of her music.  The younger is more temperamental, and gets caught up in the suffering that comes with the difficulty of learning new things.  Two sides, and in both I see myself.  On the way to the Zendo early this morning, I was tired and grumbling about my small suffering with this commitment to sit every day.  So early, it seemed particularly burdensome.  Suddenly, I was thinking about my younger daughter who seems to struggle and suffer with with musical practice, but does practice almost every day, growing steadily. Her struggle and perseverance spurred me on.  Practice....and practice.  Gumble...sit on the zafu....MU!

Birth and Death

In my work, many times I see birth and death bracketing the day. In the mornings, walking by the newborn nursery, there is birth. In the afternoon, walking in the intensive care unit, there is death. What is this birth, this death? Standing by the bedside of the dying, I do not know. Standing by the window of the nursrey, I do not know. Sitting zazen, only this!

The Big Sit

OK....just when I judge the digital world bad for zazen, my judging good and bad comes back to bite me. Tricycle magazine is sponsoring a version of ango, the traditional 3 month monastic retreat. This digital version is particularly suited to householders and others who practice outside of a structured monastic environment: The Big Sit. During a 3 month period starting on February 23, you can commit to:

• Sit in formal meditation for 20 minutes each day.
• Listen to one dharma talk each week on tricycle.com.
• Study Dogen’s Genjokoan, the text selected for the period.
• Commit to the sixteen bodhisattva precepts.
• Practice with others at tricycle.com or at a local meditation center.

I think that attempting this kind of consistent commitment, for a limited time, can bolster one's practice. To feel connected to the larger sangha, even electronically, might help even more. It seems worth doing.

Find Time, Sit Zazen

Morning
When the house is still
Evening
When children are in bed
Sit zazen

Before coffee
After a kiss
Before work
After dishes
Sit zazen

As koi
In still water
Like water
Gliding past koi
Sit zazen

Householder Leave-Taking for Sesshin

As I have written before, it is not easy to take leave of one's family and attend sesshin. I offer some suggestions for the householder, and the household, that I have found helpful, and I hope will be helpful to others. Please know that I do not claim that these are useful for everybody. I offer them humbly and with the hope that they will support others and spark discussion for those of us who are householders and are struggling to balance sesshin and family.

For the Householder:

• Prepare your family - Talk about how long you will be gone for, why you are going, and what the routine may be like at sesshin. I believe it is helpful to start these conversations many weeks to months before you will be leaving. It is a chance to share your commitment to practice with your family, and show them at some level how fundamental it is.
  
  
• Be present for your partner and family before you leave - I have had the urge to begin preparing for sesshin by intensifying my zazen in the weeks before, and being less present for my family. This last time, I spent the prior 6 weeks both doing more zazen and being fully present for my family. I spent time with my partner and children, and tried to be more compassionate and aware. Of course, I should have done this all along!
  
  
• Leave some notes to be opened when you are gone - I try to leave a card for each of my children and my partner under their pillows when I leave. I have also hidden treats (chocolate, books, small gifts) elsewhere with hints for them to look on a particular day. This last gesture can some times be the cause of resentment from your partner, as they may feel your gifts make the children like your absence, when your partner is shouldering the whole load of caring for the household and doesn't feel particularly enthusiastic about this.
  
  
• Be prepared for anxiety, guilt, panic and tears about your leave-taking to come up during zazen in shesshin. This is from my own experience. Others may not find this an issue. For me, these were extremely powerful feelings during the first several days of sesshin. At one point I seriously thought I needed to bail out and go home. Persevere, talk with your teacher at dokusan, sit zazen. We are most vulnerable during sesshin, and such feelings are greatly amplified. Know that you are not the only one to have had these powerful thoughts, and that the sangha of householders is supporting you. Take refuge in them!
  
  
• Spend several days after sesshin to with your family before returning to your normal routine - I think this is particularly important. The goal is to integrate the energy of sesshin back into your householder life. It also allows your family to see that you are still "right here" for them. It is also a chance to be compassionate about their suffering while you were gone. You may have been taking leave of them, but they took leave of you as well.
  
  
• Be thoughtful when you speak about your experience in sesshin - Remember, it's about the Dharma, not your ego! Let the light of the Dharma shine through you. Do not boast about sesshin or enlarge the significance of what you did. Sesshin is nothing special. To paraphrase an old Zen saying: "Before sesshin, do laundry, read to your children. After sesshin, do laundry, read to your children!"
  
  

For the Household:

• Be kind about asking your partner or parent justify why they want to go to sesshin - Often, it is difficult to put into words. This does not mean they are hiding something or being coerced by their teacher. Sitting meditation is an experience which is at a level often beyond words. Daily meditation as a practice prepares one to be fully present, with you and the family. A longer retreat can solidify this attentiveness in a way that can be very difficult to describe.
  
  
• Know that a sesshin is physically and mentally very demanding - A sesshin involves difficult physical and mental challenges. It can be like running a marathon, climbing a mountain, carrying a child and giving birth. It is definitely not a week of bliss, mental relaxation, and "getting away from it all". The physical pain of sitting still in meditation for 6-10 hours a day can be extremely challenging for even the most experienced meditators. The mental challenge of confronting the endless thoughts that whiz through your mind is equally difficult. Some have described this as "housebreaking your inner hyena" or "diving into your personal cesspool of habits".
  
  
• Talk to others whose partners or parnents have gone to sesshin - This can be very, very helpful. Your partner or parent will have a support network of people who are attending the sesshin. Even though they are sitting silently for two to seven days, there is a powerful feeling of support and connectedness that usually emerges. You need support too! Gather your friends, use this time to open yourself to the support of others, talk about your feelings regarding sesshin. You will be surprised at how much a difference this makes
  
  
• Do not hold back your feelings when your partner or parent returns - You may feel that you don't want to "ruin" the afterglow of sesshin for them. This often causes resentment and simmering anger. Simply let it out. They will be able to handle it, and should listen with compassion and presence.
  

As always, I am very interested in how others have managed sesshin and family.

Gassho,
Nikko

Java Enso

At breakfast on Day 5 of sesshin, not sencha or oolong tea, but coffee! Having weaned myself from java to avoid caffeine withdrawal (a pounding headache for 3 days is a serious impediment to zazen), this small change in the breakfast routine aroused my senses in a microsecond. All beans without number, I vow to liberate! Ah....the aroma, the taste, each sip savored, the java makyo that roared into my zazen. It was a much appreciated, tiny thing to a tired body and no-mind. Grasping the cup....and trying not to grasp. What a lession in imperminance (once I drank it all). And the irony of it was, it was pretty bad coffee!

Sesshin and Family

I am going to sesshin next week, a rare opportunity to deepen my practice in an intense and uninterrupted manner. As those of you who are householders know, especially if you have a family with children, attending sesshin entails a large sacrifice by your partner. I have not seen this addressed by contemporary Zen writing very often, and then usually with a short suggestion to talk with your partner. Negotiating the time away can be an emotional process, especially if one has a job that requires travel or long weekend hours away from the family. I have found little about the potential for resentment at being left with the kids, the difficulty explaining why you need to leave for a week and not speak to the family, how to explain your absence to children, and the strain it may place on the marriage/partnership.

One particular concern that has come up in my family is worry about how will I change . Will I be the same husband/father when I return? Zen writing and fiction is not necessarily comforting for the partner left behind, often speaking of how one should say good-bye before sesshin as if you will not return (as the same person or at all?). How to explain all this, especially if your spouse/partner does not practice zazen? My hope is that after sesshin, I will be a better husband and father, more aware of this moment with my family. But they do not know that this will be the outcome.

I think that outward compassion for their suffering and uncertainty in the weeks prior to your own leave-taking is a beginning.

I would be interested in how others have handled this challenge.

Post Script: A few helpful links -

Preparing for sesshin - Sensei Sunyana Graef,
Toronto Zen Center
Family Practice - Sensei Nicolee Jikyo McMahon,
Three Treasures Zen Community, San Diego
Pre- and Post Sesshin Guidelines - Windhorse Zen Community,
North Carolina

Great Determination....Hopefully

Teacher: "Every time....same medicine!"
Student: "Every time....same illness!"

I have been absent for some time, mirroring how my sitting has fallen away for a while. Once again, I return to the mountains and clouds of zazen, while sitting amidst the toys and clutter of my kids. There was no one thing pulling me away from daily practice, but a series of little things that are part and parcel of the householder's life. So, another chance to return to the breath, to Mu! Each time I return, I wonder what possessed me to take leave of zazen again. It is a still mountain of certainty.

Samsara: Light and Dark

Watching longing and grasping arise and fall, seeing the light and dark, the ten thousand things all intertwined. It is a wonder I can find the breath at all in this darkness, or see in the light. All I want to do is grasp it! And yet, each grasping pulls threads of life, distorting the web, catching me in my own desires. Where is Mu in all of this? Yes indeed, where is Mu?

Equanimity

Suddenly, this morning during zazen, equanimity arrived. There I sat, longing in one corner, equanimity in the other. Connected to ten thousand threads of life, a gentle pool of still water. And in this, longing was gently present. But now I could sit and watch without succumbing blindly. Threads, light, water....

Longing

"I don't know you, but I want you, all the more for that."

Falling Slowly
Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová

Unfocused, raw longing has crept into my zazen lately. None of us are strangers to longing; longing for the past, for the future, for things, for a lover, for some thing that is not now. And that is the crux of it, as longing takes you out of now into time past and time future. Not this breath, but that last-lost-perfect one, or no... the beautiful one-that-is-coming! Now I sit with this longing, unsure of what it is for, but painfully aware of it's intensity in my hara. Watching it during zazen, not acting, not feeding the animal. This ache is hard, exquisite, painful, hungry, and here!

Second Zazen

I recently explored the on-line phenomenon of Second Life, a virtual world where you can interact with others via an avatar (designed pictorial persona). You may style your avatar to reflect how you would want yourself to look, and change that representation at will. No more taking what is given (how old-fashioned) ! Avatars can fly, teleport, walk, talk, and otherwise interact with other avatars. There is no food required, except for the wandering hungry ghost avatars who search for objects to purchase, virtual money to purchase them with and, it seems, virtual sexual experiences. That is not to say that all is hunger and tawdry things. Some interesting avatars do populate the virtual world, and there is kindness, compassion, and mindfulness.

Ironically, there are multiple Zen sites "in-world", including a Zen Center with a zendo and several others. Your avatar can even sit zazen in some of them, achieving the painless full lotus and posture so hard to earn in your First Life. So far, I have not seen virtual dokusan, sesshin, or kensho, (Ha!). Some sites have teshios.

For now, zazen in my First Life is enough.