Fear of Zazen, Zazen of Fear

Again with fear...now fear of zazen.  Work, family, life, and a brief illness swallowed me whole, and my zazen practice went by the wayside for a month.  It has been hard this time to start back up, and part of this is an odd fear.  Fear of zazen, fear of disappearing into zazen.  Like walking out to the end of the jetty, and just going on, into unknown waters.  Clearly, this is where I must go, but it has become hard.  My great determination has fizzled.

The First Gate of Fear

I met fear today, utter, total, fear.  Going up to the top of the CN tower in Toronto with my daughter.  It has an observation deck with a glass floor, looking straight down about 446 meters (1,450 feet).  The glass is very thick, and you can stand on it and look down....all the way down.  The sign says that the glass can support 14 hippopotami can standing on it.  Maybe....but this one terrified Zen householder could not support no-mind looking down and standing on the glass.  I knew that the glass was strong, saw others standing on it, and knew I could not fall.  I still could not do it, and gripped by terror, could not penetrate  this gate.  And Mu will take no less than this, no less than everything....