I am going to sesshin next week, a rare opportunity to deepen my practice in an intense and uninterrupted manner. As those of you who are householders know, especially if you have a family with children, attending sesshin entails a large sacrifice by your partner. I have not seen this addressed by contemporary Zen writing very often, and then usually with a short suggestion to talk with your partner. Negotiating the time away can be an emotional process, especially if one has a job that requires travel or long weekend hours away from the family. I have found little about the potential for resentment at being left with the kids, the difficulty explaining why you need to leave for a week and not speak to the family, how to explain your absence to children, and the strain it may place on the marriage/partnership.
One particular concern that has come up in my family is worry about how will I change . Will I be the same husband/father when I return? Zen writing and fiction is not necessarily comforting for the partner left behind, often speaking of how one should say good-bye before sesshin as if you will not return (as the same person or at all?). How to explain all this, especially if your spouse/partner does not practice zazen? My hope is that after sesshin, I will be a better husband and father, more aware of this moment with my family. But they do not know that this will be the outcome.
I think that outward compassion for their suffering and uncertainty in the weeks prior to your own leave-taking is a beginning.
I would be interested in how others have handled this challenge.
Post Script: A few helpful links -
Preparing for sesshin - Sensei Sunyana Graef,
Toronto Zen Center
Family Practice - Sensei Nicolee Jikyo McMahon,
Three Treasures Zen Community, San Diego
Pre- and Post Sesshin Guidelines - Windhorse Zen Community,
North Carolina
One particular concern that has come up in my family is worry about how will I change . Will I be the same husband/father when I return? Zen writing and fiction is not necessarily comforting for the partner left behind, often speaking of how one should say good-bye before sesshin as if you will not return (as the same person or at all?). How to explain all this, especially if your spouse/partner does not practice zazen? My hope is that after sesshin, I will be a better husband and father, more aware of this moment with my family. But they do not know that this will be the outcome.
I think that outward compassion for their suffering and uncertainty in the weeks prior to your own leave-taking is a beginning.
I would be interested in how others have handled this challenge.
Post Script: A few helpful links -
Preparing for sesshin - Sensei Sunyana Graef,
Toronto Zen Center
Family Practice - Sensei Nicolee Jikyo McMahon,
Three Treasures Zen Community, San Diego
Pre- and Post Sesshin Guidelines - Windhorse Zen Community,
North Carolina
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