Householder Leave-Taking for Sesshin

As I have written before, it is not easy to take leave of one's family and attend sesshin. I offer some suggestions for the householder, and the household, that I have found helpful, and I hope will be helpful to others. Please know that I do not claim that these are useful for everybody. I offer them humbly and with the hope that they will support others and spark discussion for those of us who are householders and are struggling to balance sesshin and family.

For the Householder:

• Prepare your family - Talk about how long you will be gone for, why you are going, and what the routine may be like at sesshin. I believe it is helpful to start these conversations many weeks to months before you will be leaving. It is a chance to share your commitment to practice with your family, and show them at some level how fundamental it is.
  
  
• Be present for your partner and family before you leave - I have had the urge to begin preparing for sesshin by intensifying my zazen in the weeks before, and being less present for my family. This last time, I spent the prior 6 weeks both doing more zazen and being fully present for my family. I spent time with my partner and children, and tried to be more compassionate and aware. Of course, I should have done this all along!
  
  
• Leave some notes to be opened when you are gone - I try to leave a card for each of my children and my partner under their pillows when I leave. I have also hidden treats (chocolate, books, small gifts) elsewhere with hints for them to look on a particular day. This last gesture can some times be the cause of resentment from your partner, as they may feel your gifts make the children like your absence, when your partner is shouldering the whole load of caring for the household and doesn't feel particularly enthusiastic about this.
  
  
• Be prepared for anxiety, guilt, panic and tears about your leave-taking to come up during zazen in shesshin. This is from my own experience. Others may not find this an issue. For me, these were extremely powerful feelings during the first several days of sesshin. At one point I seriously thought I needed to bail out and go home. Persevere, talk with your teacher at dokusan, sit zazen. We are most vulnerable during sesshin, and such feelings are greatly amplified. Know that you are not the only one to have had these powerful thoughts, and that the sangha of householders is supporting you. Take refuge in them!
  
  
• Spend several days after sesshin to with your family before returning to your normal routine - I think this is particularly important. The goal is to integrate the energy of sesshin back into your householder life. It also allows your family to see that you are still "right here" for them. It is also a chance to be compassionate about their suffering while you were gone. You may have been taking leave of them, but they took leave of you as well.
  
  
• Be thoughtful when you speak about your experience in sesshin - Remember, it's about the Dharma, not your ego! Let the light of the Dharma shine through you. Do not boast about sesshin or enlarge the significance of what you did. Sesshin is nothing special. To paraphrase an old Zen saying: "Before sesshin, do laundry, read to your children. After sesshin, do laundry, read to your children!"
  
  

For the Household:

• Be kind about asking your partner or parent justify why they want to go to sesshin - Often, it is difficult to put into words. This does not mean they are hiding something or being coerced by their teacher. Sitting meditation is an experience which is at a level often beyond words. Daily meditation as a practice prepares one to be fully present, with you and the family. A longer retreat can solidify this attentiveness in a way that can be very difficult to describe.
  
  
• Know that a sesshin is physically and mentally very demanding - A sesshin involves difficult physical and mental challenges. It can be like running a marathon, climbing a mountain, carrying a child and giving birth. It is definitely not a week of bliss, mental relaxation, and "getting away from it all". The physical pain of sitting still in meditation for 6-10 hours a day can be extremely challenging for even the most experienced meditators. The mental challenge of confronting the endless thoughts that whiz through your mind is equally difficult. Some have described this as "housebreaking your inner hyena" or "diving into your personal cesspool of habits".
  
  
• Talk to others whose partners or parnents have gone to sesshin - This can be very, very helpful. Your partner or parent will have a support network of people who are attending the sesshin. Even though they are sitting silently for two to seven days, there is a powerful feeling of support and connectedness that usually emerges. You need support too! Gather your friends, use this time to open yourself to the support of others, talk about your feelings regarding sesshin. You will be surprised at how much a difference this makes
  
  
• Do not hold back your feelings when your partner or parent returns - You may feel that you don't want to "ruin" the afterglow of sesshin for them. This often causes resentment and simmering anger. Simply let it out. They will be able to handle it, and should listen with compassion and presence.
  

As always, I am very interested in how others have managed sesshin and family.

Gassho,
Nikko