Fear of Zazen, Zazen of Fear

Again with fear...now fear of zazen.  Work, family, life, and a brief illness swallowed me whole, and my zazen practice went by the wayside for a month.  It has been hard this time to start back up, and part of this is an odd fear.  Fear of zazen, fear of disappearing into zazen.  Like walking out to the end of the jetty, and just going on, into unknown waters.  Clearly, this is where I must go, but it has become hard.  My great determination has fizzled.

Great Determination....Hopefully

Teacher: "Every time....same medicine!"
Student: "Every time....same illness!"

I have been absent for some time, mirroring how my sitting has fallen away for a while. Once again, I return to the mountains and clouds of zazen, while sitting amidst the toys and clutter of my kids. There was no one thing pulling me away from daily practice, but a series of little things that are part and parcel of the householder's life. So, another chance to return to the breath, to Mu! Each time I return, I wonder what possessed me to take leave of zazen again. It is a still mountain of certainty.