Practice

Both of my daughters are learning string instruments.  The older is very disciplined, practices almost every day, pushes herself with new challenges.  You can see the steady pace of her progress, and hear the beauty of her music.  The younger is more temperamental, and gets caught up in the suffering that comes with the difficulty of learning new things.  Two sides, and in both I see myself.  On the way to the Zendo early this morning, I was tired and grumbling about my small suffering with this commitment to sit every day.  So early, it seemed particularly burdensome.  Suddenly, I was thinking about my younger daughter who seems to struggle and suffer with with musical practice, but does practice almost every day, growing steadily. Her struggle and perseverance spurred me on.  Practice....and practice.  Gumble...sit on the zafu....MU!

Walking Without Seeing The Way

"If you do not see the way,
you do not see it even as you walk on it.
When you walk the way, it is not near, it is not far."

The Harmony of the Relative and Absolute (Sandokai)

It is fortunate that even when we do not see it, we walk the Way.   What can this mean?  We are not separate from the Great Way, even when we stop sitting for a time, and cannot see it.  Why then must we sit zazen?   It is not only to walk the Way, but to know that we walk on it.  Watching my children live their lives, I often see them express great mastery of some skill, or great insight, and not see it themselves.  On one hand, this is what zazen is about, returning to that state of simple, unaffected expression of a child.  Yet we are loaded down with concepts, grasping, aversion, and thoughts that obscure this sight and taint our actions.  As said by the Ancient Masters, going beyond this by zazen means that we eat when hungry and drink when thirsty, and now  know our intent and actions, simply and for what they are.  The vision of years and unencumbered action of a child.

Birth and Death

In my work, many times I see birth and death bracketing the day. In the mornings, walking by the newborn nursery, there is birth. In the afternoon, walking in the intensive care unit, there is death. What is this birth, this death? Standing by the bedside of the dying, I do not know. Standing by the window of the nursrey, I do not know. Sitting zazen, only this!

An Executioner Suffers

During the reign of the Khmer Rouge in Vietnam, millions were tortured and killed. In a profoundly moving editorial in the New York Times today, "My Savior, Their Killer", Francios Bizot, describes meeting his Khmer Rouge torturer decades later while he is tried for war crimes. While Bizot was freed, over ten thousand others were tortured and killed under the supervision of Kaing Guek Eav. In this essay, he describes how Kaing Guek Eav broke down when he revisited a site where over 30 years ago he inflected death and torture on thousands. I leave you with this haunting description to meditate on the nature of suffering, the poison karma of inflicting suffering on others, and what it means to forgive. Here, the former executioner speaks, as told by Bizot:

“I ask for your forgiveness — I know that you cannot forgive me, but I ask you to leave me the hope that you might,” he said before collapsing in tears on the shoulder of one of his guards.

I was not there — it was a closed hearing — but those who were reported that the cry of the former executioner betrayed such suffering that one of the few survivors of Tuol Sleng screamed out, “Here are the words that I’ve longed to hear for 30 years!”

It could be that forgiveness is possible after a simple, natural process, when the victim feels that he has been repaid. And the executioner has to pay dearly, for it is the proof of his suffering that eases ours.

...We shall all be at the trial — not just as judges, but also as victims, and the accused...

The genocide of the Khmer Rouge will be judged as a “crime against humanity,” a crime against ourselves. As such, Duch’s guilt exceeds his immediate victims; it becomes the guilt of humanity, in the name of all victims. Duch killed mankind. The trial of the Khmer Rouge should be an opportunity for each of us to gaze at the torturer with some distance — from beyond the intolerable cry of the suffering, which may veil the truth of the abomination. The only way to look at the torturer is to humanize him.

Excerpted from "My Savior, Their Killer", Francios Bizot, New York Times, February 17, 2009

Where is Monkey Mind? or Zazen Changes Your Brain

I stumbled across this interesting article the other day examining the effect of regular zazen on the brain using high-tech MRI imaging in the journal PLoS One. Functional MRI is a type of imaging of the brain that can show both an picture of the brain structure (like the one above), and the areas of the brain that are being used more than others at a particular moment. It turns out that such studies show the physical locations of monkey mind! Monkey mind, that stream of thoughts that rattles through the mind unbidden, is described by neuroscientists as:

"...brain regions that are metabolically active during wakeful rest and consistently deactivate in a variety the performance of demanding tasks. This “default network” has been functionally linked to the stream of thoughts occurring automatically in the absence of goal-directed activity..."

When the scientists compared activity in the brains of long-term zazen practitioners (3 years or more of daily meditation), the findings were quite interesting. Both zazen practitioners and a control group (non-meditators) were shown visual pictures of words, as well as non-sense combinations of letters. When zazen practitioners saw words, they still had signs of the brain activity of monkey mind, it was shut off very quickly; non-meditators had the long, ongoing brain reverberations that we are all familiar with. So, neuroscience tells us again what our teachers have for centuries: you can never completely rid yourself of monkey mind, but you can settle the mind into stillness with training.

Go sit, change your brain!

The Big Sit

OK....just when I judge the digital world bad for zazen, my judging good and bad comes back to bite me. Tricycle magazine is sponsoring a version of ango, the traditional 3 month monastic retreat. This digital version is particularly suited to householders and others who practice outside of a structured monastic environment: The Big Sit. During a 3 month period starting on February 23, you can commit to:

• Sit in formal meditation for 20 minutes each day.
• Listen to one dharma talk each week on tricycle.com.
• Study Dogen’s Genjokoan, the text selected for the period.
• Commit to the sixteen bodhisattva precepts.
• Practice with others at tricycle.com or at a local meditation center.

I think that attempting this kind of consistent commitment, for a limited time, can bolster one's practice. To feel connected to the larger sangha, even electronically, might help even more. It seems worth doing.

Digital Dharma

Often I wonder if the digital, distracting, e-life is at all compatible with zazen and realization. Not that I am a Luddite; I have many electronic e-gadgets (computers, cell phone, ipod, camera, pager) at home and at work. But the fragmented existence they seem to draw me into (or I am drawing them into....?) feels terribly unfocused and counterproductive. On the one hand, zazen awakens us to the interconnectedness of all things. And yet, living the digital dharma so that any sentient being can reach you any time of day or night, and they often do, feels utterly antithetical to opening one's spiritual eye. Wide awake, attentive, and staring at an LCD monitor... Is there a Middle Way in the binary world?

Find Time, Sit Zazen

Morning
When the house is still
Evening
When children are in bed
Sit zazen

Before coffee
After a kiss
Before work
After dishes
Sit zazen

As koi
In still water
Like water
Gliding past koi
Sit zazen

Householder Leave-Taking for Sesshin

As I have written before, it is not easy to take leave of one's family and attend sesshin. I offer some suggestions for the householder, and the household, that I have found helpful, and I hope will be helpful to others. Please know that I do not claim that these are useful for everybody. I offer them humbly and with the hope that they will support others and spark discussion for those of us who are householders and are struggling to balance sesshin and family.

For the Householder:

• Prepare your family - Talk about how long you will be gone for, why you are going, and what the routine may be like at sesshin. I believe it is helpful to start these conversations many weeks to months before you will be leaving. It is a chance to share your commitment to practice with your family, and show them at some level how fundamental it is.
  
  
• Be present for your partner and family before you leave - I have had the urge to begin preparing for sesshin by intensifying my zazen in the weeks before, and being less present for my family. This last time, I spent the prior 6 weeks both doing more zazen and being fully present for my family. I spent time with my partner and children, and tried to be more compassionate and aware. Of course, I should have done this all along!
  
  
• Leave some notes to be opened when you are gone - I try to leave a card for each of my children and my partner under their pillows when I leave. I have also hidden treats (chocolate, books, small gifts) elsewhere with hints for them to look on a particular day. This last gesture can some times be the cause of resentment from your partner, as they may feel your gifts make the children like your absence, when your partner is shouldering the whole load of caring for the household and doesn't feel particularly enthusiastic about this.
  
  
• Be prepared for anxiety, guilt, panic and tears about your leave-taking to come up during zazen in shesshin. This is from my own experience. Others may not find this an issue. For me, these were extremely powerful feelings during the first several days of sesshin. At one point I seriously thought I needed to bail out and go home. Persevere, talk with your teacher at dokusan, sit zazen. We are most vulnerable during sesshin, and such feelings are greatly amplified. Know that you are not the only one to have had these powerful thoughts, and that the sangha of householders is supporting you. Take refuge in them!
  
  
• Spend several days after sesshin to with your family before returning to your normal routine - I think this is particularly important. The goal is to integrate the energy of sesshin back into your householder life. It also allows your family to see that you are still "right here" for them. It is also a chance to be compassionate about their suffering while you were gone. You may have been taking leave of them, but they took leave of you as well.
  
  
• Be thoughtful when you speak about your experience in sesshin - Remember, it's about the Dharma, not your ego! Let the light of the Dharma shine through you. Do not boast about sesshin or enlarge the significance of what you did. Sesshin is nothing special. To paraphrase an old Zen saying: "Before sesshin, do laundry, read to your children. After sesshin, do laundry, read to your children!"
  
  

For the Household:

• Be kind about asking your partner or parent justify why they want to go to sesshin - Often, it is difficult to put into words. This does not mean they are hiding something or being coerced by their teacher. Sitting meditation is an experience which is at a level often beyond words. Daily meditation as a practice prepares one to be fully present, with you and the family. A longer retreat can solidify this attentiveness in a way that can be very difficult to describe.
  
  
• Know that a sesshin is physically and mentally very demanding - A sesshin involves difficult physical and mental challenges. It can be like running a marathon, climbing a mountain, carrying a child and giving birth. It is definitely not a week of bliss, mental relaxation, and "getting away from it all". The physical pain of sitting still in meditation for 6-10 hours a day can be extremely challenging for even the most experienced meditators. The mental challenge of confronting the endless thoughts that whiz through your mind is equally difficult. Some have described this as "housebreaking your inner hyena" or "diving into your personal cesspool of habits".
  
  
• Talk to others whose partners or parnents have gone to sesshin - This can be very, very helpful. Your partner or parent will have a support network of people who are attending the sesshin. Even though they are sitting silently for two to seven days, there is a powerful feeling of support and connectedness that usually emerges. You need support too! Gather your friends, use this time to open yourself to the support of others, talk about your feelings regarding sesshin. You will be surprised at how much a difference this makes
  
  
• Do not hold back your feelings when your partner or parent returns - You may feel that you don't want to "ruin" the afterglow of sesshin for them. This often causes resentment and simmering anger. Simply let it out. They will be able to handle it, and should listen with compassion and presence.
  

As always, I am very interested in how others have managed sesshin and family.

Gassho,
Nikko

Java Enso

At breakfast on Day 5 of sesshin, not sencha or oolong tea, but coffee! Having weaned myself from java to avoid caffeine withdrawal (a pounding headache for 3 days is a serious impediment to zazen), this small change in the breakfast routine aroused my senses in a microsecond. All beans without number, I vow to liberate! Ah....the aroma, the taste, each sip savored, the java makyo that roared into my zazen. It was a much appreciated, tiny thing to a tired body and no-mind. Grasping the cup....and trying not to grasp. What a lession in imperminance (once I drank it all). And the irony of it was, it was pretty bad coffee!

Sesshin

"Even as night darkens the green earth, the wheel turns.
Death follows birth.
Strive as you sleep with every breath,
that you may wake past day, past death !"

Sesshin was bone-chilling cold. Makes you want to crawl into yourself and hibernate in zazen. I wonder if Bodhidharma's cave was in a place that had decent weather. A week is a long time to be away from family. I suspect that few of us householders with families have the luxury of attending a long sesshin more than occasionally, if at all. Zen, with its roots in monastic practice, is not an easy path for householders. Yet, this is where I am, in this very house, with this family, and this practice. Tonight, I am happy to be home, and to be more fully present for my family. Re-charged, I am resolute in finding a way to make my householder practice work better.

Sesshin and Family

I am going to sesshin next week, a rare opportunity to deepen my practice in an intense and uninterrupted manner. As those of you who are householders know, especially if you have a family with children, attending sesshin entails a large sacrifice by your partner. I have not seen this addressed by contemporary Zen writing very often, and then usually with a short suggestion to talk with your partner. Negotiating the time away can be an emotional process, especially if one has a job that requires travel or long weekend hours away from the family. I have found little about the potential for resentment at being left with the kids, the difficulty explaining why you need to leave for a week and not speak to the family, how to explain your absence to children, and the strain it may place on the marriage/partnership.

One particular concern that has come up in my family is worry about how will I change . Will I be the same husband/father when I return? Zen writing and fiction is not necessarily comforting for the partner left behind, often speaking of how one should say good-bye before sesshin as if you will not return (as the same person or at all?). How to explain all this, especially if your spouse/partner does not practice zazen? My hope is that after sesshin, I will be a better husband and father, more aware of this moment with my family. But they do not know that this will be the outcome.

I think that outward compassion for their suffering and uncertainty in the weeks prior to your own leave-taking is a beginning.

I would be interested in how others have handled this challenge.

Post Script: A few helpful links -

Preparing for sesshin - Sensei Sunyana Graef,
Toronto Zen Center
Family Practice - Sensei Nicolee Jikyo McMahon,
Three Treasures Zen Community, San Diego
Pre- and Post Sesshin Guidelines - Windhorse Zen Community,
North Carolina

Zazen and Rehabilitation from Violence

"Meditating day in and out in seclusion-- was something like standing before God telling him everything that I'd done, and genuinely being sorry for it. All my past surfaced-- the guilt -- the shame, the moments of anger...I gained the strength to face myself and learn more of myself. Never before had I experienced anything like this."

Willie Carroll in The Dhamma Brothers


I recently read a remarkable book, The Dhamma Brothers, which describes the evolution of a Vipassana meditation program in a maximum security prison in Alabama. Eighteen inmates participated in a 10 day retreat in the prison gymnasium, with 2 Vapissana teachers. The book is a collection of letters from the inmates over the course of 4 years which describe the profound effects of daily meditation practice on these men, most of whom were in prison for life. If you are pessimistic about the effects of meditation on the lives, moral insight, and habits of anyone, this book will completely turn your ideas on their head. Read it, see the documentary.