Sesshin

"Even as night darkens the green earth, the wheel turns.
Death follows birth.
Strive as you sleep with every breath,
that you may wake past day, past death !"

Sesshin was bone-chilling cold. Makes you want to crawl into yourself and hibernate in zazen. I wonder if Bodhidharma's cave was in a place that had decent weather. A week is a long time to be away from family. I suspect that few of us householders with families have the luxury of attending a long sesshin more than occasionally, if at all. Zen, with its roots in monastic practice, is not an easy path for householders. Yet, this is where I am, in this very house, with this family, and this practice. Tonight, I am happy to be home, and to be more fully present for my family. Re-charged, I am resolute in finding a way to make my householder practice work better.

Sesshin and Family

I am going to sesshin next week, a rare opportunity to deepen my practice in an intense and uninterrupted manner. As those of you who are householders know, especially if you have a family with children, attending sesshin entails a large sacrifice by your partner. I have not seen this addressed by contemporary Zen writing very often, and then usually with a short suggestion to talk with your partner. Negotiating the time away can be an emotional process, especially if one has a job that requires travel or long weekend hours away from the family. I have found little about the potential for resentment at being left with the kids, the difficulty explaining why you need to leave for a week and not speak to the family, how to explain your absence to children, and the strain it may place on the marriage/partnership.

One particular concern that has come up in my family is worry about how will I change . Will I be the same husband/father when I return? Zen writing and fiction is not necessarily comforting for the partner left behind, often speaking of how one should say good-bye before sesshin as if you will not return (as the same person or at all?). How to explain all this, especially if your spouse/partner does not practice zazen? My hope is that after sesshin, I will be a better husband and father, more aware of this moment with my family. But they do not know that this will be the outcome.

I think that outward compassion for their suffering and uncertainty in the weeks prior to your own leave-taking is a beginning.

I would be interested in how others have handled this challenge.

Post Script: A few helpful links -

Preparing for sesshin - Sensei Sunyana Graef,
Toronto Zen Center
Family Practice - Sensei Nicolee Jikyo McMahon,
Three Treasures Zen Community, San Diego
Pre- and Post Sesshin Guidelines - Windhorse Zen Community,
North Carolina

Zazen and Rehabilitation from Violence

"Meditating day in and out in seclusion-- was something like standing before God telling him everything that I'd done, and genuinely being sorry for it. All my past surfaced-- the guilt -- the shame, the moments of anger...I gained the strength to face myself and learn more of myself. Never before had I experienced anything like this."

Willie Carroll in The Dhamma Brothers


I recently read a remarkable book, The Dhamma Brothers, which describes the evolution of a Vipassana meditation program in a maximum security prison in Alabama. Eighteen inmates participated in a 10 day retreat in the prison gymnasium, with 2 Vapissana teachers. The book is a collection of letters from the inmates over the course of 4 years which describe the profound effects of daily meditation practice on these men, most of whom were in prison for life. If you are pessimistic about the effects of meditation on the lives, moral insight, and habits of anyone, this book will completely turn your ideas on their head. Read it, see the documentary.

Great Determination....Hopefully

Teacher: "Every time....same medicine!"
Student: "Every time....same illness!"

I have been absent for some time, mirroring how my sitting has fallen away for a while. Once again, I return to the mountains and clouds of zazen, while sitting amidst the toys and clutter of my kids. There was no one thing pulling me away from daily practice, but a series of little things that are part and parcel of the householder's life. So, another chance to return to the breath, to Mu! Each time I return, I wonder what possessed me to take leave of zazen again. It is a still mountain of certainty.

Patchwork Mind

Often it seems like my day is a householder's patchwork quilt. It may begin in the zendo listening three strikes on the keisu and sitting zazen for an hour, but it then becomes a quilt of ten thousand things. Trying to hold all the patches together (or avoid collecting any more!) is exhausting. But not to try seems like abdication of my responsibilities as a householder, parent, supervisor, child, and all the other roles. That I spend much of my time at work on a computer does not help, with e-mail and ten thousand more distractions. I suspect my teacher would say: Sitting on the zafu, only Mu! Being in the world, only Mu! Going to sesshin, only Mu!

Only Mu.....