Just Sit, Every Day...

It's been very hard to keep a consistent practice this last eight months.  A move, family events, and much work have all converged to make daily zazen very difficult.  Most days, I can snatch 10-20 minutes to sit, usually at the end of the day, exhausted, sleepy.  I was not able to go to sesshin this year either, and making it to the zendo three or four mornings a week has not happened.  Often I wonder if I will ever be able to sit for two hours a day consistently, one in the morning, one at night.  The old masters might say that I do not have the burning desire for enlightenment.  Perhaps that type of enlightenment can best be sought via monastic practice.  But with a family, that is not really possible.  

Cutting Karma

It is not easy to finish an action that will cause another person to suffer, even if you believe that you have exhausted all other options.  Delusion and karmic patterns often lock us into cyclical and codependent patterns of suffering.  To break that pattern can be very painful:  leaving a lover, evicting or firing a person, tough love with your children, self-discipline.  My teacher tells me that this is the heart of Zen.  Sometimes true compassion is kindness, soft, and comforting;  other times it is hard, jarring, and painful. Don't flinch!

Practice

Both of my daughters are learning string instruments.  The older is very disciplined, practices almost every day, pushes herself with new challenges.  You can see the steady pace of her progress, and hear the beauty of her music.  The younger is more temperamental, and gets caught up in the suffering that comes with the difficulty of learning new things.  Two sides, and in both I see myself.  On the way to the Zendo early this morning, I was tired and grumbling about my small suffering with this commitment to sit every day.  So early, it seemed particularly burdensome.  Suddenly, I was thinking about my younger daughter who seems to struggle and suffer with with musical practice, but does practice almost every day, growing steadily. Her struggle and perseverance spurred me on.  Practice....and practice.  Gumble...sit on the zafu....MU!

Walking Without Seeing The Way

"If you do not see the way,
you do not see it even as you walk on it.
When you walk the way, it is not near, it is not far."

The Harmony of the Relative and Absolute (Sandokai)

It is fortunate that even when we do not see it, we walk the Way.   What can this mean?  We are not separate from the Great Way, even when we stop sitting for a time, and cannot see it.  Why then must we sit zazen?   It is not only to walk the Way, but to know that we walk on it.  Watching my children live their lives, I often see them express great mastery of some skill, or great insight, and not see it themselves.  On one hand, this is what zazen is about, returning to that state of simple, unaffected expression of a child.  Yet we are loaded down with concepts, grasping, aversion, and thoughts that obscure this sight and taint our actions.  As said by the Ancient Masters, going beyond this by zazen means that we eat when hungry and drink when thirsty, and now  know our intent and actions, simply and for what they are.  The vision of years and unencumbered action of a child.

Birth and Death

In my work, many times I see birth and death bracketing the day. In the mornings, walking by the newborn nursery, there is birth. In the afternoon, walking in the intensive care unit, there is death. What is this birth, this death? Standing by the bedside of the dying, I do not know. Standing by the window of the nursrey, I do not know. Sitting zazen, only this!