Not Dead Yet

 

A good friend is dying of cancer.  Seeing her struggle with the problem of birth and death is, in some way, her gift to all of us around her.  What a price for this gift!

 

When she says "I am afraid", she is the fear.  When she suffers from physical pain, she is the pain.  When she cries saying "I will miss my children", she is impermanence.  

 

When I say "Then what am I?", I do not even see the finger pointing at the sunset.

Fear of Zazen, Zazen of Fear

Again with fear...now fear of zazen.  Work, family, life, and a brief illness swallowed me whole, and my zazen practice went by the wayside for a month.  It has been hard this time to start back up, and part of this is an odd fear.  Fear of zazen, fear of disappearing into zazen.  Like walking out to the end of the jetty, and just going on, into unknown waters.  Clearly, this is where I must go, but it has become hard.  My great determination has fizzled.

The First Gate of Fear

I met fear today, utter, total, fear.  Going up to the top of the CN tower in Toronto with my daughter.  It has an observation deck with a glass floor, looking straight down about 446 meters (1,450 feet).  The glass is very thick, and you can stand on it and look down....all the way down.  The sign says that the glass can support 14 hippopotami can standing on it.  Maybe....but this one terrified Zen householder could not support no-mind looking down and standing on the glass.  I knew that the glass was strong, saw others standing on it, and knew I could not fall.  I still could not do it, and gripped by terror, could not penetrate  this gate.  And Mu will take no less than this, no less than everything....

Hammer and Nail

When all you have is one approach to the Great Way, you become a hammer looking for a nail.  The Way contains all things, and we must be lithe in our walking to take every step mindfully.  With all of the unanticipated turns and uneven ground, we must adapt our stride continuously.  If we are rigid, we become the hammer in search of the nail.  If they nail does not appear, we may be tempted to whack something anyway, just to feel the heft of the hammer and hear the ring of the blow on the nail, any nail, even no-nail....

Daily Grind

Making an effort once again to make room for daily zazen in the mix of work, attention to family, and all the rest.  Of course, all is part of the same fabric and web, but it sometimes feels at the end of the day that all I did was grind it all up, mix together well, and exhaust myself.  More sleep might help to stay awake in the zendo, more zazen might help me to be fully present when blowing bubbles with my younger daughter.

Make your own travel zafu

For zazen when traveling, a travel zafu is essential. The ideal travel zafu is light, collapsable, and does not take up much space in your luggage. It is not too difficult to make your own travel zafu, which is basically a zafu cover willed with an a partially inflated beach ball.  Sewing instructions for a zafu cover can be found here.  It takes about 3-4 hours, depending on how good you are with a sewing machine, and longer if you sew by hand.  You may want to consider a sturdy fabric, as outdoor zazen while traveling can be very inspiring, and the covers can get dirty.  A supply of beachballs can be ordered from various sources, and I find that the 20" size works pretty well.  Remember, the beachball will only be partially inflated.  I have tried a few things for a travel zabutan, but they are all bulky, such as yoga mats or air matresses.  If you have any suggestions, please contribute!

Beach Zazen

Traveling with family, it is hard to find the time and place for zazen.  The room at the inn was crowded with the shrapnel of clothing and stuff from 4 people.  So, I took my inflatable zafu down to the dunes by the ocean, and sat on a bluff overlooking rocks and sand.  It seemed fitting, as the travel zafu is basically a beach ball with a fabric cover.  The sound of the waves made concentrating on Mu very difficult.  A dull roar, pulsating, changing, the sound never the same, and punctuated by the gulls.  Thoughts of my family, and guilt at taking this time away from them.  Sunset, and returning to them, always, like the breath, like the koan....

Ring The Bell

I am fortunate to live 8 minutes away from the zendo, by car, if the 5:30 AM traffic light karma is favorable.  Flying through the zen center door, putting on my robe and gathering cushions.  The warning bell is struck, and fading harmonics echo through the building.  Ten thousand things, and "only Mu!" merge as I settle on my zafu, feeling the energy of a seasoned zendo.  Breath, no breath, fading resonance of the "I" that is not...here and now.

Just Sit, Every Day...

It's been very hard to keep a consistent practice this last eight months.  A move, family events, and much work have all converged to make daily zazen very difficult.  Most days, I can snatch 10-20 minutes to sit, usually at the end of the day, exhausted, sleepy.  I was not able to go to sesshin this year either, and making it to the zendo three or four mornings a week has not happened.  Often I wonder if I will ever be able to sit for two hours a day consistently, one in the morning, one at night.  The old masters might say that I do not have the burning desire for enlightenment.  Perhaps that type of enlightenment can best be sought via monastic practice.  But with a family, that is not really possible.  

Cutting Karma

It is not easy to finish an action that will cause another person to suffer, even if you believe that you have exhausted all other options.  Delusion and karmic patterns often lock us into cyclical and codependent patterns of suffering.  To break that pattern can be very painful:  leaving a lover, evicting or firing a person, tough love with your children, self-discipline.  My teacher tells me that this is the heart of Zen.  Sometimes true compassion is kindness, soft, and comforting;  other times it is hard, jarring, and painful. Don't flinch!